The Missing You: Reversion 1

[ellajam]

Well, I'm no meter expert but I think you're close enough to correct what's off without a total rewrite. There are some tripping points and some serious filler, especially in S1, I really enjoyed it after that. I'll put in a little more than usual for Novice because I think you'll have fun working on this.

An ember in the flowing wind shown light, Meter's fine here but shown is off in meaning.
A guide before the fade to nothing more, I think you could do more with "to nothing more".
did seem to drift to black and lack a fight. "did seem to" reads like filler.
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore. cumbersome is lovely but it seems odd to me to describe a path, I may be wrong here.

I gave into despair last night, in truth. GAVE INto read off to me, the same for LIGHT CHASing below.
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I looked for strength in thought - still real still sane.
comma after real, the poem takes on a personality in this stanza.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.GHOST SUFfered
was what you showed ever faithful and true?SHOWED EVer
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.CARES FUCK, but this one I think you get away with, fun line.

I'd point to costs of karma's got as why,I can't make sense of "got".
Remorse was faked the day after you died. DAY AFTer
I really like the couplet.




is the meter even close???????

I hope this helps a bit, just my 2 cents.