06-13-2015, 02:12 AM
(06-13-2015, 01:14 AM)queenconstantine Wrote: It seems so blah to me, not quite sure how to fix it.Where's the love? The POV is detached (e.g. family grieves). Wordage is not "grim" enough to sustain an affliction like Alzheimer's (e.g. nostalgia perched….sounds like a bird. hymn; sea…the language is almost pastoral. The rhyme scheme also is contrived and I sense you care more about that than you do the person. If you sense the "blah" in the poem, imagine the reader
Nostalgia perched on frail limb,
Fading notes of mother's hymn.
Across the sea, a wooden mast,
Rips and creases mar his past.
Love surrounds, he's unaware,
Family grieves, he only stares.
A flash of white, a bitter taste,
Once again, another place.
A blink, a cry, he's so alone,
His body strikes, his heart still roams.
That fickle fate, trapped his mind,
A stranger, all it left behind.
Bring the poem down to the level of the patient. Do it through images, word choice, mood…whatever it takes. How you "really" feel about the hell this man is now a part of?