06-11-2015, 05:02 AM
it fits with the rhyming scheme so the first hurdle is completed for a sonnet, it makes sense to me and isn't a mad jumble of words, I've made some suggested edits but overall I like this poem, it works and is a good attempt, it needs some work on the story and rhythm but overall it works for me.
(06-11-2015, 02:32 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: Found the sonnet practice thread, and i vowed to write a freaking sonnet. Just didn't turn out too good. This is my first real attempt at any sort of meter or rhyming scheme, so that's most what i was focusing on. Afraid the actual words don't make much sense...
My love for thee you do not dare compare.
So who is it that I love, if not you?
This confusion is such that I can’t bear. My confusion[b][/b]
You don’t love me, so if not youthen then who?
This is not pain more than a sense of dread,
for the next time your name comes up…JUST STOP!.
Your face rattles around inside my head,
for everything else you must have just caught. trying to keep to rhyming scheme, doesn,t work here for me
The friends, the music and even the math,
is gone in place of just a dumb young girl.
Oh God I feel I need to take a bath.
If I don’t calm I think I may just hurl. If I don't calm down
I have to think of something that's not you,
I have to think of something that’s not blue.