06-10-2015, 01:25 PM
Viv, Thanks for responding to my comments. Everybody likes to know that their effort to critique has at least been heard by the writer.
On to your replies.
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"I see what you're saying - live and organism are synonymous..."
Actually I was meaning "live" should be "alive" "What keeps you alive as an organism?" Just say the first part by itself:
"What keeps you live"
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For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm?
"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette on an ash tray."
In this simile you are comparing yourself to a cigarette, but to convey what? However you cannot have it both ways. You and the cigarette cannot both be burnt (as you said undone means partially burnt-unfinished). what attribute of this cigarette are you trying to say that you have, that is what is the emotional state you are comparing to a cigarette? If you extend the first line you might could make it make a little more sense such as:
"It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay,
I lie here like a burnt cigarette in (this broken) ashtray."
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The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.
In terms of "nom" what meaning are you assigning to this word. It is an abbreviation for the word "nominative". Or in French it means face. It cannot be onomatopoetic as it does not derive it's meaning from a sound.
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Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks".
No that was not (childish tone) handled well and it came across as odd. I've done a fair amount of cussing in my life and I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say "two fucks". I would only use that in a sentence like, I wouldn't give two fucks for it, no matter how much you paid. Probably in that line I would write, "I just don't wanna give a fuck about it."
The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem?
This was not setup, so there is little room to believe the reader would think of that. Maybe further critiques will clarify that.
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As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying?
No you can't "refrain" from tear ducts, only from saying something, or an action like crying. So:
"So I'm standing (here) and trying to refrain from crying. Although even used correctly refrain still seems awkward.
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Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline.
Actually stress burns energy, just in a none productive way. So no you could not use it that way. The use of metaphor still have to follow certain rules and this would not be doing so. You could, I suppose say "negative energy". I never would as it sounds too new age for me, but it could work, without having to start all over. Your choice.
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As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem.
I think the longer you write the more your mind might change on that. A title is like a pair of glasses and the entire poem will be seen through those lenses.
With the misspelling this is how it effected me. As "first" was misspelled and this was about a teacher, every succeeding error began to get magnified more and more. So in this way it prejudiced my view point.
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I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader.
Well, I guess you have my answer to that, but in your defense I will say I did not write my criticism as clearly as I should, which was obvious in your responses. Sometimes I get caught between the necessary brevity required by this forum and writing clearly.
Best of luck with this, look forward to the revision,
Dale
On to your replies.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I see what you're saying - live and organism are synonymous..."
Actually I was meaning "live" should be "alive" "What keeps you alive as an organism?" Just say the first part by itself:
"What keeps you live"
______________________________________________________
For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm?
"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette on an ash tray."
In this simile you are comparing yourself to a cigarette, but to convey what? However you cannot have it both ways. You and the cigarette cannot both be burnt (as you said undone means partially burnt-unfinished). what attribute of this cigarette are you trying to say that you have, that is what is the emotional state you are comparing to a cigarette? If you extend the first line you might could make it make a little more sense such as:
"It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay,
I lie here like a burnt cigarette in (this broken) ashtray."
___________________________________________________________________
The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.
In terms of "nom" what meaning are you assigning to this word. It is an abbreviation for the word "nominative". Or in French it means face. It cannot be onomatopoetic as it does not derive it's meaning from a sound.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks".
No that was not (childish tone) handled well and it came across as odd. I've done a fair amount of cussing in my life and I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say "two fucks". I would only use that in a sentence like, I wouldn't give two fucks for it, no matter how much you paid. Probably in that line I would write, "I just don't wanna give a fuck about it."
The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem?
This was not setup, so there is little room to believe the reader would think of that. Maybe further critiques will clarify that.
________________________________________________________________________________________
As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying?
No you can't "refrain" from tear ducts, only from saying something, or an action like crying. So:
"So I'm standing (here) and trying to refrain from crying. Although even used correctly refrain still seems awkward.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline.
Actually stress burns energy, just in a none productive way. So no you could not use it that way. The use of metaphor still have to follow certain rules and this would not be doing so. You could, I suppose say "negative energy". I never would as it sounds too new age for me, but it could work, without having to start all over. Your choice.
_______________________________________________________________________
As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem.
I think the longer you write the more your mind might change on that. A title is like a pair of glasses and the entire poem will be seen through those lenses.
With the misspelling this is how it effected me. As "first" was misspelled and this was about a teacher, every succeeding error began to get magnified more and more. So in this way it prejudiced my view point.
___________________________________________________________________
I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader.
Well, I guess you have my answer to that, but in your defense I will say I did not write my criticism as clearly as I should, which was obvious in your responses. Sometimes I get caught between the necessary brevity required by this forum and writing clearly.
Best of luck with this, look forward to the revision,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.