06-10-2015, 11:24 AM
I see what you're saying - live and organism are synonymous...
For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm?
The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.
Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks". The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem?
As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying?
Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline.
As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem.
I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader.
For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm?
The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.
Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks". The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem?
As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying?
Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline.
As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem.
I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader.
(06-10-2015, 08:17 AM)Erthona Wrote: Misspellings in the title do not speak well for this poem. I have no idea how you are using "nom", even in French it makes no sense. The overall lugubrious tone of the writing does not make the speaker a sympathetic character, neither does the repetition. Some of the rhymes are not and many are forced. To attempt to use rhyming couplets in such a piece (because of it's length) is not good decision making. Supposedly the speaker is a teacher and speaks lines like this:
"What keeps you live as an organism?"
"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette" undone = unwrapped, not smoked
"So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts" Improper use of refrain, and "tear duct" is spelled incorrectly.
"This energy is draining my soul," energy does not drain.
There are others, these are just the ones that popped out when I scanned it.
Do to all of the errors, this is simply not a believable poem if the speaker is supposed to be a teacher.
Sorry, I find nothing positive to say about this poem,
Please, in the future, at the very least spell check your poem and read it several times. Possibly, put it on the shelf for a week or two, then re-read to catch more problems. This is simply missing the rudimentary technical proficiency for any poem posted for workshopping on this site.
Dale