06-10-2015, 10:59 AM
While reading your poem, I did not understand much of it at all. Many of it seemed vague and I think that some lines need to be varied to be more interesting. Up until reading the last line, and tying that idea of the title, did I end reading the poem with OHH, nice... But yet, some changes in the lines would be nice. Here are some of my critiques: the comments are in CAPS cause I don't know how to bold or differentiate the comments when writing it out on a smart phone... (I'm not a professional, here are just some ideas or hunches I have)
At the window
Five stories depression view DEPRESSION AND VIEW ARE BOTH NOUNS - I DONT GET WHY THEY ARE PHRASED TOGETHER.
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?
The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts WHAT SORT OF DEBTS?MONEY DEBTS? FAVOR DEBTS?
And life flavored by smiles PRETTY LINE
In owl’s cry WHY IN AN OWLS CRY? IS IT TO COMBINE LIFE WITH BOTH HAPPINESS( flavored smiles) AND THE CONTRADICTION WITH AN OWLS CRY? But an owls cry is not necessarily sad... Is it to give a puzzling question if life is really happy?
One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner. I CANT PICTURE THE SCENE WITH THE TWO LINES. ARE THE WOMEN AND MEN MIXED IN TOGETHER BEHIND HE SON?
Another day women matched, MATCHED OR MARCHED?
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms SO ANOTHER DAY, it's NOT ONE BOY? ITS MULTIPLE CHILDREN? WHERES A PHRASE OR LINE TO NOTE THAT TO THE READER? SAYING THE NEXT DAY MAKES IT SEEM THAT THE SOCIAL SITUATION IS SIMILAR AS THE DAY BEFORE.
It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along. I WAS NEVER A FAN OF HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE LINES START WITH THE SAME WORD IF THAT WORD IS NOT IMPORTANT OR CRUCIAL TO THE POEMS ELEMENT
It’s a small view GOOD REPETITION OF THIS LINE... Maybe it needs to BE A BIT CONSIDTENT THROUGHOUT THE POEM? You have IT ONCE IN THE SECKND STANZA AND TWICE IN THE FOURTH STANZA.
A reflection of a psychiatric room.
At the window
Five stories depression view DEPRESSION AND VIEW ARE BOTH NOUNS - I DONT GET WHY THEY ARE PHRASED TOGETHER.
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?
The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts WHAT SORT OF DEBTS?MONEY DEBTS? FAVOR DEBTS?
And life flavored by smiles PRETTY LINE
In owl’s cry WHY IN AN OWLS CRY? IS IT TO COMBINE LIFE WITH BOTH HAPPINESS( flavored smiles) AND THE CONTRADICTION WITH AN OWLS CRY? But an owls cry is not necessarily sad... Is it to give a puzzling question if life is really happy?
One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner. I CANT PICTURE THE SCENE WITH THE TWO LINES. ARE THE WOMEN AND MEN MIXED IN TOGETHER BEHIND HE SON?
Another day women matched, MATCHED OR MARCHED?
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms SO ANOTHER DAY, it's NOT ONE BOY? ITS MULTIPLE CHILDREN? WHERES A PHRASE OR LINE TO NOTE THAT TO THE READER? SAYING THE NEXT DAY MAKES IT SEEM THAT THE SOCIAL SITUATION IS SIMILAR AS THE DAY BEFORE.
It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along. I WAS NEVER A FAN OF HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE LINES START WITH THE SAME WORD IF THAT WORD IS NOT IMPORTANT OR CRUCIAL TO THE POEMS ELEMENT
It’s a small view GOOD REPETITION OF THIS LINE... Maybe it needs to BE A BIT CONSIDTENT THROUGHOUT THE POEM? You have IT ONCE IN THE SECKND STANZA AND TWICE IN THE FOURTH STANZA.
A reflection of a psychiatric room.