06-10-2015, 08:17 AM
Misspellings in the title do not speak well for this poem. I have no idea how you are using "nom", even in French it makes no sense. The overall lugubrious tone of the writing does not make the speaker a sympathetic character, neither does the repetition. Some of the rhymes are not and many are forced. To attempt to use rhyming couplets in such a piece (because of it's length) is not good decision making. Supposedly the speaker is a teacher and speaks lines like this:
"What keeps you live as an organism?"
"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette" undone = unwrapped, not smoked
"So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts" Improper use of refrain, and "tear duct" is spelled incorrectly.
"This energy is draining my soul," energy does not drain.
There are others, these are just the ones that popped out when I scanned it.
Do to all of the errors, this is simply not a believable poem if the speaker is supposed to be a teacher.
Sorry, I find nothing positive to say about this poem,
Please, in the future, at the very least spell check your poem and read it several times. Possibly, put it on the shelf for a week or two, then re-read to catch more problems. This is simply missing the rudimentary technical proficiency for any poem posted for workshopping on this site.
Dale
"What keeps you live as an organism?"
"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette" undone = unwrapped, not smoked
"So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts" Improper use of refrain, and "tear duct" is spelled incorrectly.
"This energy is draining my soul," energy does not drain.
There are others, these are just the ones that popped out when I scanned it.
Do to all of the errors, this is simply not a believable poem if the speaker is supposed to be a teacher.
Sorry, I find nothing positive to say about this poem,
Please, in the future, at the very least spell check your poem and read it several times. Possibly, put it on the shelf for a week or two, then re-read to catch more problems. This is simply missing the rudimentary technical proficiency for any poem posted for workshopping on this site.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.