06-10-2015, 07:37 AM
As this is in mild I will just look at the first 4 lines.
Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind, (Do not equivocate it adds nothing, "Thoughts are seeds...")
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine. (No comma before "and". There is the process of "becoming" so "grew into" thoughts did not "grown in" a twisting vine, unless the vine was already there and the thoughts were growing inside of them.)
In every crevice a saccharine bloom, (As you are using a full stop after "vine" there is somewhat of a disconnect here. One can infer the blooms are from the vine, but the way it is written, makes it seem that the blooms are growing from the crevices. One eventually figures out this is not what is meant and maybe the reader won't even be aware of this minor ambiguity, at least no consciously. However, conscious or not, it creates a pause in the reading and to some degree will disrupt it. This may seem nit-picky, but it is just these sort of little things that separates out a so-so poem from a good poem. If you ask most people why they think on is better than the other. If you ask them why, they will respond by saying that they don't know. Why that is, is they pick up on the errors unconsciously, but have neither the awareness or knowledge to define the cause.)
As I goaded you to consume
____________________________________________________________________
The phrase "saccharine bloom" is a wonderfully poetic image.
His thought (by his words) had gotten into her head and created a new (bloom) fake sweetness, possibly a delusion of unjustified love. To rephrase, he conned the speaker into believing he loved her when he didn't and this is something she possibly unknowingly encouraged, because she was so desperate for his love?
Although this is a wonderful image and I am not suggesting removing it, it is not one that is easily accessible. It took me at least a minute to figure out what it meant. Were it not so beautiful and so accurate it would not be worth the disruption.
Some word usage suggestion on the first 4 lines to give more concreteness and to not have to repeat "thoughts" twice, possible add some clarity and some verb tense problems.
"Thoughts are seeds planted in the mind,
and your words grew into a twisting vine.
In each crevice a saccharine bloom,
as I goaded you to consume"
One last thing:
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done and unfortunate misapprehension.
Best,
Dale
Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind, (Do not equivocate it adds nothing, "Thoughts are seeds...")
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine. (No comma before "and". There is the process of "becoming" so "grew into" thoughts did not "grown in" a twisting vine, unless the vine was already there and the thoughts were growing inside of them.)
In every crevice a saccharine bloom, (As you are using a full stop after "vine" there is somewhat of a disconnect here. One can infer the blooms are from the vine, but the way it is written, makes it seem that the blooms are growing from the crevices. One eventually figures out this is not what is meant and maybe the reader won't even be aware of this minor ambiguity, at least no consciously. However, conscious or not, it creates a pause in the reading and to some degree will disrupt it. This may seem nit-picky, but it is just these sort of little things that separates out a so-so poem from a good poem. If you ask most people why they think on is better than the other. If you ask them why, they will respond by saying that they don't know. Why that is, is they pick up on the errors unconsciously, but have neither the awareness or knowledge to define the cause.)
As I goaded you to consume
____________________________________________________________________
The phrase "saccharine bloom" is a wonderfully poetic image.
His thought (by his words) had gotten into her head and created a new (bloom) fake sweetness, possibly a delusion of unjustified love. To rephrase, he conned the speaker into believing he loved her when he didn't and this is something she possibly unknowingly encouraged, because she was so desperate for his love?
Although this is a wonderful image and I am not suggesting removing it, it is not one that is easily accessible. It took me at least a minute to figure out what it meant. Were it not so beautiful and so accurate it would not be worth the disruption.
Some word usage suggestion on the first 4 lines to give more concreteness and to not have to repeat "thoughts" twice, possible add some clarity and some verb tense problems.
"Thoughts are seeds planted in the mind,
and your words grew into a twisting vine.
In each crevice a saccharine bloom,
as I goaded you to consume"
One last thing:
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done and unfortunate misapprehension.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.