Sweetness

[Todd]

Hi N.S.,

Let me give you some thoughts to consider on this piece.

Hello, everyone! I originally intended the first 5 lines to be a simple little poem but then I added to it. The meter is not perfect but I'd love to know your thoughts. (Constructive, please. I'm trying to get better) Thanks for reading!

So, your first observation is correct the meter needs work.  I don't mind the "All of my sweetness" refrain being left alone from your meter considerations though.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine.--Since this is mild let me handle the meter this way--instead of trying a line by line critique. Consider using this line as your pattern. Say it slowly out loud attempt to make the other lines conform to its length and sounds. That won't be the last step but it will start to bring the piece closer to where you need it.
In every crevice a saccharine bloom,--Saccharine bloom is wonderful phrasing. I love the image. I love the falseness of the bloom.
As I goaded you to consume--I like that your last lines lead into the refrain. It is possible that half lines will work on the fourth lines of each stanza but you'll have to play with that and see.

All of my sweetness

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart.
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise.--If you want this idea expressed I think you need to blend it somewhere else. In the structure you've built I feel the poem needs to end with "All my sweetness"

-N.S.

I hope some of that helps. There are many threads in the practice forum that are meant to help you with meter. They've helped me. Please check them out. You have a lot of good things happening here that can be developed.

Best,

Todd