06-09-2015, 03:03 AM
(06-06-2015, 10:57 AM)Erthona Wrote: The Passionate Man*
How cruel it is to render
a passionate man impotent,
so that all he does is sit in his room
staring with dulled eyes.
Having lived life like a god,
only to have the god desert him; just God, perhaps? the god feels like it's referring to someone, but without the sharp turn just God I think presents.
the energy that once coursed through his body "energy" doesn't sound energetic enough. too cold and heavy and sciencey
is now the heaviness of lead instead.
He would weep in self-pity
except he knows the truth of it. i don't exactly get these two lines -- would not knowing the truth of it only make one want to weep the more? and, on your other note, i would think that regular people have a lot of self-pity, too, otherwise poetry and pop songs and whatever won't have so many hits on "regret"....
Pity the once passionate man, hiss! we currently passionate men have no time for pity!
for he was blessed and now has fallen.
Hell in life is no different from hell in death,
except in life you are still expected to act…fine. nice last two lines, though the ellipsis feels a bit out of place. the diction in general sounds, to my admittedly inexperienced ears, too formal, and the images used too, er, medieval (god, lead being the product of a transmutation, hell) for that somehow modern addition. no ellipsis would be just....fine.
Erthona
©2015
Note bene:
*I use man in the generic sense so that it represents both genders. It has been my experience that woman can be just as passionate and just as foolish as men.