We Are Not Things framed by a doorway
#10
Hallo. Fresh eyes here.

(06-08-2015, 10:20 AM)SnarlingThroughOurSmiles Wrote:  I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate -I find myself wanting parallel structure here, I would say choose either 'someone' or 'somebody' and use it in both instances. also I'm not a fan of else, it seems superfluous.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims
Emperors disguised as friends -I agree w/ previous assessments on this line; it's just not as strong as it should be, and the content leaves me a bit confused.

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red -cliche: woman in red. Also redundant: scarlet = red.

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white -'desert white' is a really nice color image here though.
Sacrificing splendid queen -not sure what this line is trying to say.
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile
Shut up as you all kill me -this stanza seems overwrought and overly dramatic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The imagery definitely caters to it.

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram-I am not wall is just clunky, also reminds me of 'I am groot'. I would vastly prefer 'I'm not a wall' to keep the syllable pattern intact
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world
There's definitely some workable stuff here, but I think this is a case of form over function somewhat. The form is pleasing, the meter is good, but the content is not on the same level, which skews the whole piece. In your edits, I wouldn't say you should abandon the form, just focus on improvements to the content of the poem. There's quite a few good lines here, but there's also quite a few weak ones.
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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RE: We Are Not Things framed by a doorway - by Animal Riots Activist - 06-08-2015, 01:09 PM



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