06-06-2015, 07:26 AM
I loved that last line: "A reflection of a psychiatric room." It pulls the whole poem together, and really hammers home the message. One of the things I'm not so fond on is the repetition in the lines:
"Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath."
I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by repeating the word 'beneath' in these two lines. In my opinion, the repetition just detracts from the rest of the poem, and I think the poem could do without it.
Furthermore, the line "mingle in freedom" doesn't seem to make sense. Unless I'm missing its meaning, the wording (and word choice) is rather strange.
Other minor changes such as grammar could be improved upon, for example placing "It's a small view" into quotation marks and ending the line "In owl's cry" with a full stop.
"Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath."
I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by repeating the word 'beneath' in these two lines. In my opinion, the repetition just detracts from the rest of the poem, and I think the poem could do without it.
Furthermore, the line "mingle in freedom" doesn't seem to make sense. Unless I'm missing its meaning, the wording (and word choice) is rather strange.
Other minor changes such as grammar could be improved upon, for example placing "It's a small view" into quotation marks and ending the line "In owl's cry" with a full stop.