06-04-2015, 12:21 PM
I thought the alliteration ("creaking creeping," "freezing fog") was a little out of place and too obvious.
Perhaps try working with more subtle sounds, especially in a poem so short. Because it is so short, every word really stands out and there is more weight on the alliteration than if it were placed in the middle of a long stanza...I hope that makes sense.
Otherwise, I really liked the simplicity of your poem. I liked the length and how you broke it up into two very different stanzas. The "tickless watch" was a very cool idea, the idea of time not making a sound, the idea of the shadow not being able to perceive time and it's movement although he is controlled by time. The choice to say he "glares" at the watch is great, it shows his distaste for time.
Perhaps try working with more subtle sounds, especially in a poem so short. Because it is so short, every word really stands out and there is more weight on the alliteration than if it were placed in the middle of a long stanza...I hope that makes sense.
Otherwise, I really liked the simplicity of your poem. I liked the length and how you broke it up into two very different stanzas. The "tickless watch" was a very cool idea, the idea of time not making a sound, the idea of the shadow not being able to perceive time and it's movement although he is controlled by time. The choice to say he "glares" at the watch is great, it shows his distaste for time.