06-02-2015, 11:22 PM
Thanks for all the feedback! NaPM was great -- I hope I manage to catch all them prompts next year!
She's from the future? That explains why her stuff seems much too perfect....
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The second "today" is meant to establish the stately sense of rhythm -- the first line has about three stresses, while that and most of the rest have four. I'll see what I can do with it.
I don't see how "its" is in any way intrusive -- "a" or "the" would make this conceptual poem all the more vague, in my opinion.
As for that last line, I feel a bit uncomfortable with it too -- again, I'll see what I can do with it.
I think I do need at last -- maintains rhythm.
For the chemical elements, maybe not. For the classical elements, I think I do; without the soft sounds in between, those last three things would slow the poem down too much.
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By the last stanza, it's moved into the purely conceptual -- I don't really care if at that point it ends up feeling too abstract. The star has exploded, so it's time to ruminate. The three w's represent three levels of being -- the personal, the low physical, and the high physical -- the ending, though in a way I consider changing, is about enlightenment. See below.
It's about empowerment (or maybe enlightenment). It begins with an image of personal life -- the navel -- being compared with ideas of death -- the dying star, the heavy hole in time -- then, ultimately, moving on into a greater sense of being -- the nebula -- that slowly, surely blows up into a much more brilliant sense of oneness -- the last stanza. I'll think about weaving in a bit more reinforcement into the navel image, though, for the sake of supporting it -- maybe make the idea of the navel as a sensual or umbilical object more apparent.
She's from the future? That explains why her stuff seems much too perfect....
--
The second "today" is meant to establish the stately sense of rhythm -- the first line has about three stresses, while that and most of the rest have four. I'll see what I can do with it.
I don't see how "its" is in any way intrusive -- "a" or "the" would make this conceptual poem all the more vague, in my opinion.
As for that last line, I feel a bit uncomfortable with it too -- again, I'll see what I can do with it.
I think I do need at last -- maintains rhythm.
For the chemical elements, maybe not. For the classical elements, I think I do; without the soft sounds in between, those last three things would slow the poem down too much.
--
By the last stanza, it's moved into the purely conceptual -- I don't really care if at that point it ends up feeling too abstract. The star has exploded, so it's time to ruminate. The three w's represent three levels of being -- the personal, the low physical, and the high physical -- the ending, though in a way I consider changing, is about enlightenment. See below.
It's about empowerment (or maybe enlightenment). It begins with an image of personal life -- the navel -- being compared with ideas of death -- the dying star, the heavy hole in time -- then, ultimately, moving on into a greater sense of being -- the nebula -- that slowly, surely blows up into a much more brilliant sense of oneness -- the last stanza. I'll think about weaving in a bit more reinforcement into the navel image, though, for the sake of supporting it -- maybe make the idea of the navel as a sensual or umbilical object more apparent.