06-02-2015, 05:57 AM
I really love the movement and pace of your language! It's a slow moving tone, but there is a lot of weight and force behind the words. I think the repetition is a key part of that. It keeps a steady tempo, and gives the poem a prayer-like sound and feeling. This is the huge strong point for me, so whatever revisions you make, I'd make sure to maintain the tone and rhythm.
One weakness I see is a mismatch in imagery and images. I think this is an incredibly visual poem; you're trying to make us see and experience the supernova: "huffing its last desperate breathe," "fiery core," "splendid rainbow," etc. But too often your imagery is relying on concepts rather that words that can help us see the picture better. I love the rhythm and repetition of the last stanza, but I don't know what to do with "womb of mother earth," "weirs across the heavens," or "puzzle of life." I don't know what these things look like, so they feel out of place to me. "Material elements" is another spot I think you can make stronger.
Cheers!
One weakness I see is a mismatch in imagery and images. I think this is an incredibly visual poem; you're trying to make us see and experience the supernova: "huffing its last desperate breathe," "fiery core," "splendid rainbow," etc. But too often your imagery is relying on concepts rather that words that can help us see the picture better. I love the rhythm and repetition of the last stanza, but I don't know what to do with "womb of mother earth," "weirs across the heavens," or "puzzle of life." I don't know what these things look like, so they feel out of place to me. "Material elements" is another spot I think you can make stronger.
Cheers!