Hi! I love this, but I feel like you can push this so much further.
Firstly, I agree that you should lose the first line and revisit the way you end each line. Also, the present tense & past tense switch.
I would also look into the visual presentation. There's desperation in this situation. The form can really hit that home. I did my own little "remix" of it--so to speak--just to kind of show what I mean by visual stuff, but I think you could push it way farther.
I love this piece! Can't wait to see what you do with it.
<3
Nx
I had a drink in my hand
and his hand on my waist.
I barely registered the door closing behind me.
But I remember thinking:
“Why is there paint on the mirror?”
His hands were moving me
and I was moving away.
I didn’t really know him
and I didn’t really like him
but he didn’t really care.
and there’s paint on the mirror.
He is taking off my clothes
and he could’ve scraped it off.
Didn’t that bother him
the way his hands bothered me?
There’s paint on the mirror.
I tried to push him off
but I was drunk
and he was strong.
There’s paint on the mirror.
He’s inside me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
He’s fucking me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
It hurts.
There’s paint on the mirror.
My hands pound his chest.
Stop.
Stop.
He won’t.
There’s paint on the mirror.
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror
There are no mirrors in my house
and everyone asks why.
I tell them:
“There was paint on the mirror.”
Firstly, I agree that you should lose the first line and revisit the way you end each line. Also, the present tense & past tense switch.
I would also look into the visual presentation. There's desperation in this situation. The form can really hit that home. I did my own little "remix" of it--so to speak--just to kind of show what I mean by visual stuff, but I think you could push it way farther.
I love this piece! Can't wait to see what you do with it.
<3
Nx
I had a drink in my hand
and his hand on my waist.
I barely registered the door closing behind me.
But I remember thinking:
“Why is there paint on the mirror?”
His hands were moving me
and I was moving away.
I didn’t really know him
and I didn’t really like him
but he didn’t really care.
and there’s paint on the mirror.
He is taking off my clothes
and he could’ve scraped it off.
Didn’t that bother him
the way his hands bothered me?
There’s paint on the mirror.
I tried to push him off
but I was drunk
and he was strong.
There’s paint on the mirror.
He’s inside me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
He’s fucking me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
It hurts.
There’s paint on the mirror.
My hands pound his chest.
Stop.
Stop.
He won’t.
There’s paint on the mirror.
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror
There are no mirrors in my house
and everyone asks why.
I tell them:
“There was paint on the mirror.”
(05-29-2015, 07:14 AM)buildthestars Wrote: first poem here.
paint on the mirror
there was paint on the mirror
i had a drink in my hand and
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror
there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror