paint on the mirror

[Todd]

Hello buildthestars,

Welcome to the site! Here are a few comments for you.

This content is in the same vein as Tori Amos's song Me and a Gun. It has the same idea of disassociating during a traumatic event. I think its a good topic to work with the danger you have is that it can come across as shock value and hold little power as a poem. These are extremely difficult to pull off when they compete with visual media. That said, let me get to the line comments.

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

there was paint on the mirror--This line is unnecessary due to the title. I think you already repeat it too many times without hitting the same idea at a slant, or adding new information each time so you should look to cut direct repetition as much as you can.
i had a drink in my hand and--Look at your line breaks and try to break on strong nouns and verbs, breaking on conjunctions often doesn't convey the hesitancy you want to convey--it simply makes the line read choppy and out of control.
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning--World was spinning is a bit overused (cliche)
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”--be careful not to go this happened, and then this happened. Try not to be too flatly linear.
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and--This could be a point to mix it up again Maybe the paint is a certain color, and maybe that color moves you off into different associations. Or maybe the paint splotch has a shape. Try to mix it up when you use repetition.
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin--This is a nice association.
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest--This sequence isn't that effective. Try to rethink it.
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror--Again repetitive, sad experience on the surface, but doesn't convey emotional power.

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror--This is too leading if you want to end the poem at a better place consider ending on "everyone asks why" That will serve two purposes in that its more evocative and it will ask the unanswered question about the rape at the same time.

Just some thoughts. Hope they help some.

Best,

Todd