Winter Haibun

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

Here are some comments on your piece:

In winter when the temperature drops low enough, the canal begins to form its first delicate veil of wafer thin ice.  Pockets of air cling to the underside [i] and bid farewell to the light that slowly fades as ice grows thicker and swirling feathered patterns deliciously arc and sweep across the whole of its surface. [loved the arcing and sweeping and the feathered word choice. I wonder if you could cut patterns and still make it work--staying a little closer to the imagery without having my mind superimpose the abstract patterns. Maybe something a bit specific in the look or pull feathered out and make it like wings...just thinking out loud her] Sometimes it can happen over night and as a bonus the ice is topped off with a fine layer of frost that scintillates brightly[i] in the low early[don't know if early is necessary since low and morning already convey the idea] morning sun; a complete transformation seemingly at odds with the rest of nature in a deep slumber.[don't know if you need the "a"] --liked the prose part quite a bit.

[i]atop
frozen canal -
crutches--definitely surprising. It makes you think someone fell in and their crutches are frozen above them.

Then the inevitable begins to happen.[begins to happen could simply be reduced to happens] At first the occasional stone, some small pebbles, the results of inquisitive minds testing how thick the ice is.[this could be condensed to "At first the occasional stone, some small inquisitive pebbles testing how thick the ice is" Small pebbles become large pebbles become small rocks become large rocks.[like this progression quite a bit] Until, the floodgates open and to every passer by the temptation to throw something onto the frozen canal becomes irresistible. Twigs snapped from branches, branches snapped from trees, trees uprooted, strewn across the icy surface. Green plastic bottles, multi coloured plastic bags, fluorescent shoes, shopping trolleys, school uniforms, toasters, lingerie, a fondue set, his and hers matching dressing gowns, a cuddly toy. Every conceivable piece of bizarre junk that you can possibly imagine congregates on the frozen wastes until the hideous transformation is complete and the gift of a beautiful frozen canal becomes an eyesore.[fully enjoyed rink becoming landfill to see who could break the ice]

on the canal
skating -
funeral mourners

Silently everyone suffers, trying to convince themselves that they were not the worst offenders. Silently everyone prays for the thaw to come and sink the mayhem to the bottom where it can mingle with all the previous decades worth of junk and swap stories of what it was like, "Up there!! Up there in that beautiful golden light."[wonderful final statements. The halo effect. Love it]

daffodils don't see
the carnage when snow drops
and crocuses bloom--ends well.

I know we don't usually comment much in Miscellaneous like this, but I wanted to. I enjoyed it.

Best,

Todd[/i][/i][/i]