Tunnel Vision

[Animal Riots Activist]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain,
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame:
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change,
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame:
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim.

The meter is really solid. Reading the other comments, it seems like you're going to cut the first stanza? I would caution against that, though clearly there is a disparity between the two stanzas, the first stanza can do more to set up the second. I would say just buckle down and really pick apart what you think is good about the second stanza, and how you could highlight those in a new stanza. Then rewrite the first. I know it's tough with the meter as it is, but I think you can do it.

What I think makes the second stanza work so well is the overwhelming sense of slight discomfort. I would say either rewrite the first stanza such that it contrasts this, or such that it builds up to the discomfort in the second. As it is right now, it seems like the first stanza is just a matter of fact analysis of why this discomfort exists, as opposed to doing either of these two things.

some suggestions on how to make this happen:
-start the first stanza on the street outside of the subway
-have the first stanza illustrate what happens when the train stops at a stop and people get on/off
-have N become aware that his/her eyes are wandering to where they shouldn't or that someone else's eyes are wandering.

Of course you could also write a 3rd stanza in which N cuddles up with a hobo. That's always a fun train thing to do. Best of luck, I believe in you!