05-27-2015, 04:30 PM
Nice. enjoyed the contrasts from the wonder and beauty of nature to the mindless vandolism of the same.
The crutches in the first haiku /summation threw me a bit because i did not pick up anything to suggest this in the first stanza / paragraph. (I was completly taken with the image of a body of water freezing and had a platelets of ice / rising smoke picture in my mind). But perhaps crutches work because it was not expected from such a nature based preable.
On the fence about the use of personification of the junk. First thought it did not fit with the tone of the rest of the piece and that you could put a period after junk and finish there - still thinking on this aspect.
Adore the last haiku
Overall this works for me - Haibum are meant to take you on a journey / be pithy obversational notes - I though this was a good example of this. I had a flavour of a canal side view that I had not considered before.
The crutches in the first haiku /summation threw me a bit because i did not pick up anything to suggest this in the first stanza / paragraph. (I was completly taken with the image of a body of water freezing and had a platelets of ice / rising smoke picture in my mind). But perhaps crutches work because it was not expected from such a nature based preable.
On the fence about the use of personification of the junk. First thought it did not fit with the tone of the rest of the piece and that you could put a period after junk and finish there - still thinking on this aspect.
Adore the last haiku
Overall this works for me - Haibum are meant to take you on a journey / be pithy obversational notes - I though this was a good example of this. I had a flavour of a canal side view that I had not considered before.