05-27-2015, 03:15 PM
(05-26-2015, 09:09 AM)Wjames Wrote: The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain, I don't entirely understand what "a lap is too plain" means.
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame: I think this and the first line are the only crucial lines in this stanza. Maybe make the first one the first line of the poem as a whole, and this one the final line? It would make the ending rather punchy.
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change, I don't entirely get the meaning of this image, in relation to everything else presented. The early line shows a sense of emptiness in the setting; the next one makes the image of the haunting eyes more vivid. But what of the luckless beggar?
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame: Perhaps make this line more universal? It feels like an undue interruption of the specific. If that's precisely what you're going for, I would suggest making the point-of-view more personal: "This tunnel is dreary..."
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim. I don't get the interruption of the comma here.