05-18-2015, 03:27 AM
The last stanza is truly brilliant and the best part of the entire poem. Everything leading up to it is just narrative, albeit illustrative at times, it could be so much stronger. (more show, less tell in other words. I know it is a crit cliche, but that's what #1 & #2 need.)
Speaking of which, why is this broken into three sections? I personally only do that if the poems could stand alone, but have a train of thought linking them. Here it seems to be more like chapters in a book, and I find it a bit distracting...but that could just be me.
Overall there is a lot to like here. The punctuation needs cleaning up...I haven't read the other thread so I don't know what has been suggested... but
in the last stanza, L2 and L3 shouldn't be a comma, it should be a semi colon or period. And the last sentence should end in a question mark.
Speaking of which, why is this broken into three sections? I personally only do that if the poems could stand alone, but have a train of thought linking them. Here it seems to be more like chapters in a book, and I find it a bit distracting...but that could just be me.
Overall there is a lot to like here. The punctuation needs cleaning up...I haven't read the other thread so I don't know what has been suggested... but
in the last stanza, L2 and L3 shouldn't be a comma, it should be a semi colon or period. And the last sentence should end in a question mark.