05-16-2015, 04:49 AM
Words of the old guide:
On your right, [On this side(?)] | Separation of points/ideas
you will see a man | Right side counterpoints
against an oak, | Left side, could be this side,
his wizened face | or that side, the other side,
cooling in the dense shade, | which could be more dramatic
underneath the wooded canopy. [Canopy creates shade] | more mysterious, more
| divisive, where is right and
His way is understood. [ The spacing/language here | left in this “place?” compass
gives strength and balance to “It’s rumored…”] | please! wink!!!
The guide continues: | 1 voice [guide],
| 2 Characters, [guide, man]
On your left, [On the other side(?)] | “landfill’ sounds derogatory
you will find a past, | I’d try to come up with
a landfill of memory | something more neutral
where much does exist. [I’ve redone this line to cut redundancy, and give relevancy to
“memory”, there, could be anywhere, vs. being]
Keep your eyes closed, | 1st hard consonant opening a
your mind wide open, | line k here looks brilliant as
we then will see the future. | it sharply breaks the ideas of
| “right and left” it phonetically
It’s rumored to dwell in these woods. | opens a new chapter!
________________________________________________________________________
Well, I’ve really butchered this, forgive me, but this is how I’d rework it [2 more words, 6 more syllables ( from original count)] , yet I’ve changed some words. I also added some indentation for both aesthetic purposes, and to allow greater pausing between lines or thoughts that one may wish to emphasize. It’s -sounding board- material only.
Your title Atman suggests an oriental flavor while your words/phrasing seem rather occidental, though mystical. This is not so unusual, it is very difficult to live in one culture, and imitate another. However, your message, your concept, or structure maybe, of looking in two directions, has an ancient depth found in the god Janus [Western] who “keeps” over changes and new beginnings. You can find more about him on the internet, but his symbol is of two faces together, that are looking in opposite directions. Might fit nicely either as your tile, or as additional information to use, something to think about.
Personally, I would brainstorm/meditate on where that man is going in his future, or in the future. This might give you some more ammunition to fill out on your ideas. Perhaps you could expand on the right-left idea [give them so more meat], as well as where that future might lead?
On your right, [On this side(?)] | Separation of points/ideas
you will see a man | Right side counterpoints
against an oak, | Left side, could be this side,
his wizened face | or that side, the other side,
cooling in the dense shade, | which could be more dramatic
underneath the wooded canopy. [Canopy creates shade] | more mysterious, more
| divisive, where is right and
His way is understood. [ The spacing/language here | left in this “place?” compass
gives strength and balance to “It’s rumored…”] | please! wink!!!
The guide continues: | 1 voice [guide],
| 2 Characters, [guide, man]
On your left, [On the other side(?)] | “landfill’ sounds derogatory
you will find a past, | I’d try to come up with
a landfill of memory | something more neutral
where much does exist. [I’ve redone this line to cut redundancy, and give relevancy to
“memory”, there, could be anywhere, vs. being]
Keep your eyes closed, | 1st hard consonant opening a
your mind wide open, | line k here looks brilliant as
we then will see the future. | it sharply breaks the ideas of
| “right and left” it phonetically
It’s rumored to dwell in these woods. | opens a new chapter!
________________________________________________________________________
Well, I’ve really butchered this, forgive me, but this is how I’d rework it [2 more words, 6 more syllables ( from original count)] , yet I’ve changed some words. I also added some indentation for both aesthetic purposes, and to allow greater pausing between lines or thoughts that one may wish to emphasize. It’s -sounding board- material only.
Your title Atman suggests an oriental flavor while your words/phrasing seem rather occidental, though mystical. This is not so unusual, it is very difficult to live in one culture, and imitate another. However, your message, your concept, or structure maybe, of looking in two directions, has an ancient depth found in the god Janus [Western] who “keeps” over changes and new beginnings. You can find more about him on the internet, but his symbol is of two faces together, that are looking in opposite directions. Might fit nicely either as your tile, or as additional information to use, something to think about.
Personally, I would brainstorm/meditate on where that man is going in his future, or in the future. This might give you some more ammunition to fill out on your ideas. Perhaps you could expand on the right-left idea [give them so more meat], as well as where that future might lead?