Black Bile

[ellajam]

Hi, Mr, for me this was a jigsaw puzzle that never quite made a pictue. You may want to consider whether or not omitting punctuation is helping you here, ditto the capitalizing of each line. You've also got a lot of abstractions for a short piece, although I know what you are saying I don't think your way of saying it makes a lasting impression. Here are some notes.

The Sheol of the living I'd like to see a colon here or an "is" before "contorted".
Contorted reason turned inward
The mind is the cause Reason indicates the mind for me, I don't think you need this line.
It is hard to understand its apathy You're not helping me understand how contorted reason turned inward leads to apathy. I'm lost.

Transformed into a walking shade "walking shade" is interesting, but I don't know that it works if you need the next line to explain it.
The outside world fades
Circular trenchant thoughts This was the one image I could grab.
Self-loathing absorption This line just seems stuck on to me, I have no idea what has led the Narrator to this point.

So you can see this poem really didn't work for me, I hope my comments can help you understand why. Good luck with it.