05-15-2015, 12:59 PM
Solid edit, Paul. It's funny how when you see a new version it causes you to find other things to comment on.
Lungs gasp;
learning their limitations.
Earthquakes sound like questions
made of thin air.
I like these strophes as they are, but if I were going to tinker it would be like this:
Possibly make a stylistic change in S2
Earthquakes sound
like questions made of thin air.
This would give a similar structure between S1 and S2.
I might also give some thought, but not necessarily make changes, to whether or not "sound" is the best word. Is there a substitute that is more vibrant and still hangs like a question? I'm not sure.
That's all I could think of. I may be being nit picky.
Best,
Todd
Lungs gasp;
learning their limitations.
Earthquakes sound like questions
made of thin air.
I like these strophes as they are, but if I were going to tinker it would be like this:
Possibly make a stylistic change in S2
Earthquakes sound
like questions made of thin air.
This would give a similar structure between S1 and S2.
I might also give some thought, but not necessarily make changes, to whether or not "sound" is the best word. Is there a substitute that is more vibrant and still hangs like a question? I'm not sure.
That's all I could think of. I may be being nit picky.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson