05-12-2015, 04:13 PM
(05-11-2015, 01:21 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: In November,
I told myself I loved him
I told myself my heart raced for him.
I told myself I smiled for him.
I told myself I would remember every moment. All the same thing. And there aren't even any differences in image to make the whole stanza more vivid. There is an obsessive quality in the repetition, sure, but it comes off as a bore. (and yipes, I think I have to reexamine a few of my own drafts, now)
In December,
My heart raced,
as he chased me. Meh here. This whole thing could be way more vivid -- I can envision a grand hunt, a real nice stag chase, but that's more me wanting to read Bone, than the poem being all evocative.
I remembered every moment-
His hand on my arm.
Running running, running.
My backpack making bruises on my arms.
Screaming at someone ANYONE to help me. "Screaming for..." You're not actually screaming at anyone.
Looking at their faces, as no one did. Meh here. As per the earlier comment, this isn't really vivid. Sure, there's something going on, and I can tell what that something is, but it's presented so....typically. It would be great spoken as some sort of dramatic peace, sure, but it wouldn't really be poetry if it depended on that.
I did not love, because of him.
I did not smile, because of him. Meh again. Also, what? The plot takes a confusing turn here -- is the speaker accusing his or her (I'm gonna assume her) love as egotistical, because of abuse? If so, how the heck does the poem show that? That could work in an audiovisual medium, sure, but here on paper, I've not a hit.
It is May.
I smile for her.
My heart beats with hers.
I love her, and I remember every beautiful moment. Though the plot here is obvious, there isn't a real connection between this and the earlier. So the subject chased her in the earlier stanzas....and then, the subject has a new love or whatever? It's a dud -- and a massive soapysoap cliche, too, especially as presented. It could have more depth, more fullness, but meh. Meh.
I don't have to tell myself anything. Meh. Also, what?