05-12-2015, 03:38 AM
Yes, well, welcome indeed LOL.
Thank you Tectak, Todd and Dale.
I was quite proud of this piece, and now it seems there is little if nothing about it that anyone else likes. If I were to implement everything that has been pointed out, then there would be nothing left. (All the better for that I hear you cry).
I did say that I wanted a serious crit, and I definitely got it LOL.
I would say that I am British and that I didn't realise at first that this was a predominantly American website. I don't know if that makes any difference to some of the comments about syntax because, at the points where it is mentioned, I don't see anything wrong with the syntax. Considering that we are trying to write poetry, it seems that I've been left very little licence to alter the flow of natural speech, to a more "poetic" way of saying something.
I must admit that capitalising every line, is a habit of mine that I should probably break. Although I was not trying to be a 19th century romantic, I could not in any way describe myself as a contemporary writer (indeed, not a writer at of any description, looking at the comments), I was never trying to be ultra modern in my approach. I am nearly 50, and so the poems and styles that influence me the most, tend to be more classical in nature. It seems also that my rhyming is a problem. I do think that if you are going to rhyme, then it should be a theme that runs through the whole piece and not just here and there, which to me, looks almost like an afterthought, like someone thought, considering that it's a poem, I'd better shove a rhyme of two in somewhere. Yes, perhaps not every line, but a common theme which ties the piece together.
There is just too much for me to be able to defend it all, so I don't think I will even try. It's pretty clear that this was not well received and that's that, to the scrap heap.
Thanks again at least for taking the time to read it.
Best regards
Mark
Thank you Tectak, Todd and Dale.
I was quite proud of this piece, and now it seems there is little if nothing about it that anyone else likes. If I were to implement everything that has been pointed out, then there would be nothing left. (All the better for that I hear you cry).
I did say that I wanted a serious crit, and I definitely got it LOL.
I would say that I am British and that I didn't realise at first that this was a predominantly American website. I don't know if that makes any difference to some of the comments about syntax because, at the points where it is mentioned, I don't see anything wrong with the syntax. Considering that we are trying to write poetry, it seems that I've been left very little licence to alter the flow of natural speech, to a more "poetic" way of saying something.
I must admit that capitalising every line, is a habit of mine that I should probably break. Although I was not trying to be a 19th century romantic, I could not in any way describe myself as a contemporary writer (indeed, not a writer at of any description, looking at the comments), I was never trying to be ultra modern in my approach. I am nearly 50, and so the poems and styles that influence me the most, tend to be more classical in nature. It seems also that my rhyming is a problem. I do think that if you are going to rhyme, then it should be a theme that runs through the whole piece and not just here and there, which to me, looks almost like an afterthought, like someone thought, considering that it's a poem, I'd better shove a rhyme of two in somewhere. Yes, perhaps not every line, but a common theme which ties the piece together.
There is just too much for me to be able to defend it all, so I don't think I will even try. It's pretty clear that this was not well received and that's that, to the scrap heap.
Thanks again at least for taking the time to read it.
Best regards
Mark