05-12-2015, 02:19 AM
Mark,
You may better served by bypassing this reviewed as I found nothing in the way of the positive to say and I know that you felt pretty good about the poem, so I would not want to destroy your enthusiasm for it. At the same time this is in serious and I have to say what I perceive to be true and objective. Just as I believe no one on this site does, I do not try to hurt the writer, I try to offer valid critique, which can still be perceived as painful. OK, on to the critique.
Strange, strange day. (Not a sentence)
What need could there be,
To tear out your soul for scrutiny? (Capitalizing went out in the fifties when it was no longer needed for typesetting, and it was found that by not capping each line, it made it easier to read, that is to say, less confusing. This is a common problem for people coming out of macadamia academia where in anthologies the original typesetting is followed, and most of what is used for instruction still uses this form. However to choose to not cap each line is not an arbitrary choice, but a rational one)
Given free will but then given no choices, (The parallel of "will" would be "choice", yet choices is forced here in order for it to match with "voices", I think this would generally be considered a forced rhyme)
The unified strains of a million voices
Ask, "reason or treason, (where is the end of this quotation? Oh, yes...found it. It is also by this point I am beginning to find the singsong of the rhyming couplets beginning to be irritating.)
For which to let go,
The very last strand of the life that you know”?
Tied to the quay of my still beating heart, ("my still beating heart" That's about as trite as one can get. In fact that seems to be a common theme. "The unified strains of a million voices" for another.)
My anchor stone of truth.
Why shake me? why break me? (cliche, there are too many to note each one)
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show? (This line makes no sense)
That for this truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love, (changing one and adding one additional word to "What I did it for love" hardly changes anything. For my taste, using the word love is trite as it has been so overused)
For you, they insist.
For you love, we just had to know. (repetitive)
No smiles for that camera,
No lies for that crowd.
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud,
And doing their deeds the foul demons avowed (what demons?)
“The only way back is undone”!
Undo they did,
As my mind detached,
Watching the scene as their vile plots hatched.
I open my mouth, but I don't have my lips.
I don't have my eyes or my fingertips.
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand.
I wander untethered through featureless land.
Yet hidden, I keep in my still beating heart,
My fire stone of youth. (What?)
Suddenly, everything stops. (define everything)
My all in a bubble that pops. (no)
As I fall through the air, (what else would one fall through?)
The sky's ripping a tear (NO! The sky is tearing, or The sky is ripping, but not both. The sky is not capable of ripping a tear, or of tearing a rip.)
In my dreaming, and every limb flops. (If you had said, "every limbo flops" you might have been on to something
)
Then
Awakened, in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay, as the newly born child. (Extra trite)
Wondering why and half drowned in the mud,
But feeling the call of the wild. (That's a direct quote and should be noted as such, otherwise it is plagiarism.)
Slowly and haze filled,
The turn of the world
Is recalling me, back from the edge. (recalling, no!)
Sun rising, air chilled, (these two do not go together)
The future unfurled ("The future unfurls" probably a direct quote, certainly a cliche)
In my beating heart, making its pledge. ("beating heart" please!)
It's come, I can feel it, ("I can feel it," yeah, so could the twitches, not that it hadn't already been overused a thousand times before that.")
The day of my birth. (Not a sentence)
The day of the ever long searching for worth. (syntax)
The day of new stepping upon this green earth, (syntax)
And of touching a heart with my hand.
Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
So that none in your world could deny you exist!
We did it for you love, (ever seen "A-Chorus line"?)
For you wished this tryst.
For you love are breaking the bough.
[/quote]
____________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry Mark,
I would choose not to be so hard on you your first time out, but there hardly seems to be an original line in the whole poem and a number of your rhymes seem suspicious if not right out forced. Then there are these weird lines sprinkled about that make little sense such as "Given free will but then given no choices". Can you see how contradictory that is? Another line,
"Tied to the quay of my still beating heart
my anchor stone of truth."
Do you mean that your anchor stone of truth (whatever that is) is tied to, not your still beating (why one needs to know it is still beating, one would assume that is implied)heart, but to the quay, or dock of your heart (whatever that means. So you have created two images that in a practical sense convey no actual information at all, just words that may sound good, but do not say anything.
By the second stanza it seems that at least two if not three people are talking, yet there is no clue as to who they are or who they are talking about. Obviously a story is trying to be told, but it is difficult to make sense of it, if it is told in a void, sans setting, back story, and defined characters (at least to a necessary extent).
I probably also agree with what tectak said in his critique as I usually do, although I have yet to read it so as not to prejudice mine.
welcome to the site,
Dale
You may better served by bypassing this reviewed as I found nothing in the way of the positive to say and I know that you felt pretty good about the poem, so I would not want to destroy your enthusiasm for it. At the same time this is in serious and I have to say what I perceive to be true and objective. Just as I believe no one on this site does, I do not try to hurt the writer, I try to offer valid critique, which can still be perceived as painful. OK, on to the critique.
Strange, strange day. (Not a sentence)
What need could there be,
To tear out your soul for scrutiny? (Capitalizing went out in the fifties when it was no longer needed for typesetting, and it was found that by not capping each line, it made it easier to read, that is to say, less confusing. This is a common problem for people coming out of macadamia academia where in anthologies the original typesetting is followed, and most of what is used for instruction still uses this form. However to choose to not cap each line is not an arbitrary choice, but a rational one)
Given free will but then given no choices, (The parallel of "will" would be "choice", yet choices is forced here in order for it to match with "voices", I think this would generally be considered a forced rhyme)
The unified strains of a million voices
Ask, "reason or treason, (where is the end of this quotation? Oh, yes...found it. It is also by this point I am beginning to find the singsong of the rhyming couplets beginning to be irritating.)
For which to let go,
The very last strand of the life that you know”?
Tied to the quay of my still beating heart, ("my still beating heart" That's about as trite as one can get. In fact that seems to be a common theme. "The unified strains of a million voices" for another.)
My anchor stone of truth.
Why shake me? why break me? (cliche, there are too many to note each one)
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show? (This line makes no sense)
That for this truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love, (changing one and adding one additional word to "What I did it for love" hardly changes anything. For my taste, using the word love is trite as it has been so overused)
For you, they insist.
For you love, we just had to know. (repetitive)
No smiles for that camera,
No lies for that crowd.
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud,
And doing their deeds the foul demons avowed (what demons?)
“The only way back is undone”!
Undo they did,
As my mind detached,
Watching the scene as their vile plots hatched.
I open my mouth, but I don't have my lips.
I don't have my eyes or my fingertips.
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand.
I wander untethered through featureless land.
Yet hidden, I keep in my still beating heart,
My fire stone of youth. (What?)
Suddenly, everything stops. (define everything)
My all in a bubble that pops. (no)
As I fall through the air, (what else would one fall through?)
The sky's ripping a tear (NO! The sky is tearing, or The sky is ripping, but not both. The sky is not capable of ripping a tear, or of tearing a rip.)
In my dreaming, and every limb flops. (If you had said, "every limbo flops" you might have been on to something
)Then
Awakened, in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay, as the newly born child. (Extra trite)
Wondering why and half drowned in the mud,
But feeling the call of the wild. (That's a direct quote and should be noted as such, otherwise it is plagiarism.)
Slowly and haze filled,
The turn of the world
Is recalling me, back from the edge. (recalling, no!)
Sun rising, air chilled, (these two do not go together)
The future unfurled ("The future unfurls" probably a direct quote, certainly a cliche)
In my beating heart, making its pledge. ("beating heart" please!)
It's come, I can feel it, ("I can feel it," yeah, so could the twitches, not that it hadn't already been overused a thousand times before that.")
The day of my birth. (Not a sentence)
The day of the ever long searching for worth. (syntax)
The day of new stepping upon this green earth, (syntax)
And of touching a heart with my hand.
Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
So that none in your world could deny you exist!
We did it for you love, (ever seen "A-Chorus line"?)
For you wished this tryst.
For you love are breaking the bough.
[/quote]
____________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry Mark,
I would choose not to be so hard on you your first time out, but there hardly seems to be an original line in the whole poem and a number of your rhymes seem suspicious if not right out forced. Then there are these weird lines sprinkled about that make little sense such as "Given free will but then given no choices". Can you see how contradictory that is? Another line,
"Tied to the quay of my still beating heart
my anchor stone of truth."
Do you mean that your anchor stone of truth (whatever that is) is tied to, not your still beating (why one needs to know it is still beating, one would assume that is implied)heart, but to the quay, or dock of your heart (whatever that means. So you have created two images that in a practical sense convey no actual information at all, just words that may sound good, but do not say anything.
By the second stanza it seems that at least two if not three people are talking, yet there is no clue as to who they are or who they are talking about. Obviously a story is trying to be told, but it is difficult to make sense of it, if it is told in a void, sans setting, back story, and defined characters (at least to a necessary extent).
I probably also agree with what tectak said in his critique as I usually do, although I have yet to read it so as not to prejudice mine.
welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.