05-11-2015, 06:40 AM
Hi Tectak,
Let me start by saying that I like your piece. It's a very poignant and emotive look at grief and bereavement. It's also very hard to find anything that hasn't already been mentioned by others, but..........
I agree that 3 syllables would be better for the opening line and if the name can't be changed, then maybe consider something like "Marie just died, a week ago". It gives you the extra syllable since I'm sure Marie would not want to be remembered as Maria or anyone else.
Then we come to the repeated lines. I know that the repeat fills out the meter, but for me, I really don't think you need them. By the end of the first stanza, I was getting a bit tired of them to tell the truth. I would be happier (not that you wrote this piece for MY gratification lol), if they were slightly re-worked on each repeat. "I can't let go, I won't let go". I'm sure it wouldn't take too much thought to proceed like this, and it would feel less "lazy" sorry, I hate to say things like that, but it is what I felt.
As I said, there's not much else I can say that hasn't already been said, but I hope you don't mind too much my comments.
best regards
Mark
Let me start by saying that I like your piece. It's a very poignant and emotive look at grief and bereavement. It's also very hard to find anything that hasn't already been mentioned by others, but..........
I agree that 3 syllables would be better for the opening line and if the name can't be changed, then maybe consider something like "Marie just died, a week ago". It gives you the extra syllable since I'm sure Marie would not want to be remembered as Maria or anyone else.
Then we come to the repeated lines. I know that the repeat fills out the meter, but for me, I really don't think you need them. By the end of the first stanza, I was getting a bit tired of them to tell the truth. I would be happier (not that you wrote this piece for MY gratification lol), if they were slightly re-worked on each repeat. "I can't let go, I won't let go". I'm sure it wouldn't take too much thought to proceed like this, and it would feel less "lazy" sorry, I hate to say things like that, but it is what I felt.
As I said, there's not much else I can say that hasn't already been said, but I hope you don't mind too much my comments.
best regards
Mark