Hail Marie vers. 2 mercedes

[tectak]

Tom,

I don't really have a "serious" poems amount of critique for this, but I shall endeavor.
Certainly it has improved from the original posting. Observations as I bounce around.
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"In chill dawn air I make believe."

Usually the aggrieved actually hears these things, they do not have to "make believe".
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The repetitiveness and singsong lines makes this border on the comedic, probably only not going there for me because I was forewarned about the nature of the poem. Had I come upon the poem fresh, by an unknown writer, I think I would have read the first part as humor, as there seems hardly any other way to read it considering the form.
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Although I understand the connection, it is so tenuous, the following seems like a forced rhyme.

"I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday."
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The second line does not read as iambic, but as trochaic, at least to me. Personal I like the reversal, it creates a more complex line. Simply drop the first "too". Your poem.  

"We said goodbye, we cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too."
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This line is somewhat confusing. Would it not be so whether or not the person was dead or alive?

"I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now."
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"Hail Marie" Seems a bit over the top, in that vein might as well go for "Ave Marie"
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Dale

Hmmm. I could, in one bound, escape by saying I have no serious counter to your non-serious crit. However, you make light of my serious intent and for that a gauntlet falls
I cannot retract the intent and do not wish to. There is a serious point to this which is  not in the contrived poetic-ness of the piece...rather it is in the attempt to convey complexity by a simple codex. The emotional response to post-death trauma when described is usually genuine empathy from those who are by circumstance (recent or otherwise) genuinely empathetic or imagined empathy from those philosophical enough to imagine it will happen to them one day.
There's the rub...is it poetry or is it pensive perambulation?
The only reason for bringing the seperate cameos in to this piece is that I have first person experience of third person reactions to grief...so that about covers everybody (unfortunate terminology).
The last Hail Marie is silly but so is all religious hijacking of emotion...but that is to minimise the comfort faith delivers. So I left it in.
The switch from you to her to you to her is deliberate. I have listened to the grieving talking like this. It is as if personal feelings of deep love need the back up of others to give credence. (I loved him/her you know....every body loved him/her...so it is alright to say so; and when alone I tell him/her, "I love you").
The picture on the pillow is more extreme than I wanted, but less extreme than Norman Bates would have considered reasonable.
So was it that hard to understand?
Best and thanks,
tectak