05-06-2015, 09:41 PM
Tom,
I don't really have a "serious" poems amount of critique for this, but I shall endeavor.
Certainly it has improved from the original posting. Observations as I bounce around.
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"In chill dawn air I make believe."
Usually the aggrieved actually hears these things, they do not have to "make believe".
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The repetitiveness and singsong lines makes this border on the comedic, probably only not going there for me because I was forewarned about the nature of the poem. Had I come upon the poem fresh, by an unknown writer, I think I would have read the first part as humor, as there seems hardly any other way to read it considering the form.
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Although I understand the connection, it is so tenuous, the following seems like a forced rhyme.
"I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday."
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The second line does not read as iambic, but as trochaic, at least to me. Personal I like the reversal, it creates a more complex line. Simply drop the first "too". Your poem.
"We said goodbye, we cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too."
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This line is somewhat confusing. Would it not be so whether or not the person was dead or alive?
"I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now."
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"Hail Marie" Seems a bit over the top, in that vein might as well go for "Ave Marie"
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Dale
I don't really have a "serious" poems amount of critique for this, but I shall endeavor.
Certainly it has improved from the original posting. Observations as I bounce around.
_______________________________________________________________________
"In chill dawn air I make believe."
Usually the aggrieved actually hears these things, they do not have to "make believe".
_________________________________________________________________________
The repetitiveness and singsong lines makes this border on the comedic, probably only not going there for me because I was forewarned about the nature of the poem. Had I come upon the poem fresh, by an unknown writer, I think I would have read the first part as humor, as there seems hardly any other way to read it considering the form.
_________________________________________________________
Although I understand the connection, it is so tenuous, the following seems like a forced rhyme.
"I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday."
________________________________________
The second line does not read as iambic, but as trochaic, at least to me. Personal I like the reversal, it creates a more complex line. Simply drop the first "too". Your poem.
"We said goodbye, we cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too."
_____________________________________
This line is somewhat confusing. Would it not be so whether or not the person was dead or alive?
"I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now."
______________________________________________
"Hail Marie" Seems a bit over the top, in that vein might as well go for "Ave Marie"
__________________________________________________
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.