05-04-2015, 06:03 AM
I feel like this poem jumps into my brain and tears it up.
It has really vivid, haunting imagery, but I'm struggling to understand how it is all connected. I really, really like the 1st, 2nd, and 4th stanzas the most.
I would focus on these three stanzas, tying the superman image/metaphor/or whatever it is into it better. Make that more evident in the rest of your poem.
Play around with the order of the stanzas in your poem. Without changing anything else, I've rearranged the order of my favorite three stanzas from your poem:
I really like this poem; it has amazing potential to be whatever you want it to be. You just need to work on clarity, and the focus of your message. I can't wait to see where this takes you.
It has really vivid, haunting imagery, but I'm struggling to understand how it is all connected. I really, really like the 1st, 2nd, and 4th stanzas the most.
I would focus on these three stanzas, tying the superman image/metaphor/or whatever it is into it better. Make that more evident in the rest of your poem.
Play around with the order of the stanzas in your poem. Without changing anything else, I've rearranged the order of my favorite three stanzas from your poem:
Quote:Im superman
on a bike atop the tallest hill in suburbia,
watching the sun crash.
I saw bits of you scattered
across a field—fragments swaying
with grasses, and spirits, and reeds.
You smelled of spring and fresh rain.
I pedal so fast
that I’m faster than a speeding bullet.
The breeze blows your head back together,
and your dreams, like confetti,
pour over us.
I really like this poem; it has amazing potential to be whatever you want it to be. You just need to work on clarity, and the focus of your message. I can't wait to see where this takes you.