05-02-2015, 09:58 PM
This is wonderful and it's really difficult to believe it's your first poem ever. You must have done a ton of reading poetry before attempting it yourself, because it is rare that one just picks up a pen and writes so well without some exposure to the greats.
At any rate, being a hillbilly...the images you portray so vividly speak to my heart. I know that some may say they are nonsensical or too abstract...for those of us "in the know" they are stunning and fresh.
While your line breaks and minimal commas do work as a substitution for punctuation, I'm not sure---it may just be the grammar nazi in me, but I'd like just a bit more punct. Think of it as a map for others to navigate your piece.
And like Todd said, since this in novice, I will not do a line by line, although, I'd love to...why not see if Todd could move this to mild? Just message him or any other mod/admin if you want to!
Nice reading your work, and I look forward to much much more!
mel/bena
At any rate, being a hillbilly...the images you portray so vividly speak to my heart. I know that some may say they are nonsensical or too abstract...for those of us "in the know" they are stunning and fresh.
While your line breaks and minimal commas do work as a substitution for punctuation, I'm not sure---it may just be the grammar nazi in me, but I'd like just a bit more punct. Think of it as a map for others to navigate your piece.
And like Todd said, since this in novice, I will not do a line by line, although, I'd love to...why not see if Todd could move this to mild? Just message him or any other mod/admin if you want to!
Nice reading your work, and I look forward to much much more!
mel/bena