NOVEMBER ’57 – MARCH ’80

[Todd]

Hi Psyve,

We've had a few song writers here in the past, and I'm sorry they're not here now to give you more qualified feedback than I'm able to give. Caveat aside, here goes.

NOVEMBER ’57 – MARCH ’80--The title is compelling because in the context of the song it speaks of someone (the subject of the song) dying young.

She has a cancer in her brain,
And it’s driving her insane
Slowly, day by day by day by day by day by day... she says…--I like this in the song, though not as a poem. It sounds good being sung though. If you're going to end with "she says" than you should cut the she tells me in the next line and just blend. I can accept some repetition, but that would seem to work better.

She tells me that she’s dying:
She has this cancer in her mind
Which her doctors cannot find…--The only big issue I have with this stanza and S4 is the "she" in the verse is very two dimensional. You can put repetition into the structure, but the content should go a bit wider. This is a narrative in a way, and you need to make better use of your space to reveal the she of the poem better not just how she died. We should be made to care by the small details you add. Otherwise its a stranger dead in a medical drama--nothing more. This is less an issue with your words more the point that I'd like you to use your space better to hook us.

She has no eyes, no tears to weep:--I like this line for the images it paints.
Her cancers run too deep-
She’s so tired, she cannot sleep…

She told me she was dying:
She had this cancer in her mind
That her doctors could not find…

https://soundcloud.com/psyve/november-57-to-march-80

No issue with the music, it helped me get a sense for how this might be performed.


I don't know if that will help any, but I hope it does.


Best,

Todd