04-29-2015, 10:33 PM
I'm sure I have no, or little idea of what you are talking about which is probably my failing for not being more familiar with the scene that you are describing.
"gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner."
While this is a nice and original description, it does not really convey night to me, plus I had to stop for a significant amount of time, so whatever magic this description might have conveyed was lost during the pause to figure it out, but I am probably just having a slow day.
When I read the phrase "dazed howls" the first thing that comes to mind is confused wolves. If I incorporate what you've said outside of the poem about what Raval is, then I eventually come to the conclusion that "dazed howls" are from those getting robbed, or after getting robbed. So it might be wise to incorporate what Raval is at the beginning of the poem, so that what is in the poem has a context. At the very least title it "El Raval" as that is how it appears in Wiki, although that article does nothing to explain anything that the poem talks about, or to put it into context.
I don't really understand these four lines:
"Raval pleads another day.
Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another"
...and the last line seems put there just for the rhyme.
"the drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they incessantly cherish."
As "The Drab" is used as a proper noun, it seems as if it should be the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized. I appreciate the double entendre of "dragging", but I find the word "incessantly" to be disruptive. It needs to be a word that can apply equally to baggage and to cigarette. Something like, "they hold more precious than life" --I'm not putting this forth as a suggestion as it is a bit to unwieldy--but something like that allows you to extend the image of how little these people have in their lives and how transitive their lives are.
I could suggest you might juxtapose the higher life of the cabarets and restaurants vs its its thieves, prostitutes and immigrant population, but that would be outside of the scope of this poem. Well, maybe something for future consideration. I was wondering, did you have in mind the newly arrived migrants, or just nondescript street people who had not done well, like street people all over the world?
To some small extent this reminds me of Ginsberg and the way he romanticized the under belly of life, of course his intention was different than yours.
Best,
Dale
"gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner."
While this is a nice and original description, it does not really convey night to me, plus I had to stop for a significant amount of time, so whatever magic this description might have conveyed was lost during the pause to figure it out, but I am probably just having a slow day.
When I read the phrase "dazed howls" the first thing that comes to mind is confused wolves. If I incorporate what you've said outside of the poem about what Raval is, then I eventually come to the conclusion that "dazed howls" are from those getting robbed, or after getting robbed. So it might be wise to incorporate what Raval is at the beginning of the poem, so that what is in the poem has a context. At the very least title it "El Raval" as that is how it appears in Wiki, although that article does nothing to explain anything that the poem talks about, or to put it into context.
I don't really understand these four lines:
"Raval pleads another day.
Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another"
...and the last line seems put there just for the rhyme.
"the drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they incessantly cherish."
As "The Drab" is used as a proper noun, it seems as if it should be the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized. I appreciate the double entendre of "dragging", but I find the word "incessantly" to be disruptive. It needs to be a word that can apply equally to baggage and to cigarette. Something like, "they hold more precious than life" --I'm not putting this forth as a suggestion as it is a bit to unwieldy--but something like that allows you to extend the image of how little these people have in their lives and how transitive their lives are.
I could suggest you might juxtapose the higher life of the cabarets and restaurants vs its its thieves, prostitutes and immigrant population, but that would be outside of the scope of this poem. Well, maybe something for future consideration. I was wondering, did you have in mind the newly arrived migrants, or just nondescript street people who had not done well, like street people all over the world?
To some small extent this reminds me of Ginsberg and the way he romanticized the under belly of life, of course his intention was different than yours.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.