04-26-2015, 03:54 AM
Please feel free to ignore everything between the lines as this is too much critique for novice and probably much to harsh, especially as this is your first post.
Not really sure why you put your poem in quotes. In the future I would suggest not doing so.
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I'm assuming this is referring to John F. Kennedy's sister. The attempted use of a southern dialect does not work. I have been through the south on numerous occasions and that is not how I would think one would write "now". Although to write one word of dialect is a pointless exercise. If one must must juxtapose the two dialects a simple device is warranted, such as "their slower southern speech contrasted to her crisp sharp New England accent, belied the sharpness in their minds and the slowness in hers." That is, work it in as part of the story, make it meaningful, rather than simply gratuitous.
This line is downright silly,
"Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form""
What is the purpose of this guessing game with the reader, how does this improve the poem. All it seems is an attempt to make the writer look clever and even in that it fails.
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"I just wrote in free verse too" "No verse is truly free." All verse must have some kind of rhythmic quality, what would you say is that here?
As to alliteration: it seems a tad heavy handed, but I would let it pass as it did not unduly catch my eye on the first read through.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
Not really sure why you put your poem in quotes. In the future I would suggest not doing so.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm assuming this is referring to John F. Kennedy's sister. The attempted use of a southern dialect does not work. I have been through the south on numerous occasions and that is not how I would think one would write "now". Although to write one word of dialect is a pointless exercise. If one must must juxtapose the two dialects a simple device is warranted, such as "their slower southern speech contrasted to her crisp sharp New England accent, belied the sharpness in their minds and the slowness in hers." That is, work it in as part of the story, make it meaningful, rather than simply gratuitous.
This line is downright silly,
"Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form""
What is the purpose of this guessing game with the reader, how does this improve the poem. All it seems is an attempt to make the writer look clever and even in that it fails.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I just wrote in free verse too" "No verse is truly free." All verse must have some kind of rhythmic quality, what would you say is that here?
As to alliteration: it seems a tad heavy handed, but I would let it pass as it did not unduly catch my eye on the first read through.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.