untitled poem

[ellajam]

Hi, Proteus, welcome to the site, beautiful avatar. First, I'd like to know if you can give me a hand following this. You've chosen to use punctuation marks only sporadically so I'm wondering if losing the automatic capitalization of each line might help guide me through, organize the thoughts a little more clearly. Some notes are below.

There’s this blurred thing
In the distant blackness
Between my worries and boredom, I like thinking about the space between worry and boredom.
Within body
And mind— I'm not sure you need these two lines.
A denizen,
A permanent
     Resident

At the start,
It spurs on so gently—
Like imagine a I think you could lose this line.
Helium filled horse Ah, caught my attention here.
Streaking swiftly
Across a wild
And beguiled
Field of weak break.
No-end-in-sight
     Space

It’s always there,
One time in the farthest place,
Now in shape
And this depth that it makes—
No longer mute to that one space I don't understand this line and it being part of a refrain make it worse. I can't make sense of it, I'll keep trying.

Then it nears my bosom,
I know it—
I can see it:
Its shape I’ve never seen— never seen before?
Growing and shrinking outta order— without order? what would be usual for it to be out of order?
And there’s no color to it,
No texture;
But we’ve known
Time together
 Since forever

It’s always there,
One time in the farthest place,
Now in shape
And this depth that it makes—
No longer mute to that one space

Then it flickers this light,
A pearly white diamond bright—
Like that fluorescent
It’ll-kill-you-slowly
Kind of light
Until it’s so damned blistering-
Lee bright, I don't know what lee bright is, should I?
It lulls you into submission,
No permission needed,
Eagerly and
Malignantly so I'd prefer "so" dropped to the next line.
As to be
 As much one
  As one’s self

It’s always there,
One time in the farthest place,
Now in shape
And this depth that it makes—
No longer mute to that one space.

It’s here NOW
To persist and persist
And so I’ll just Exit
To Exist and be
Like all the cool cats that
Strut with their tails up—
Cuz I gotta be
A cool cat too
Cuz that’s the point,
   Aint it?
I really don't understand this last part. The "it" that's with you always can just be walked away from? To imitate a cool cat, which you know isn't cool? I think you could do better there.
END

I'm sure there are (many) issues with this poem, so please feel free to point them all out! And as is apparent, it's a free-verse poem with my own unique rhythm and flow.

Thanks in advance

Oh, and give it the respect and aid of a title. I suck at them and am always changing them trying to do better, but they're important. If you take a look at the NaPM threads you'll see a bunch of Todd's as an example of good ones.

I think you're on your way to describing something interesting in an interesting way. Hope this helps.