Abandoned

[71degrees]

Original

I
Inside my house, the many walls,
all these things interrupting other things

Outside my house, the lines
of my poems, walking on them

II
I see something random
in the garden, nameless

Shoots of new tulips,
a cock-necked starling


Edit #1

I
Inside my house, lives,
geometric walls, interrupting
solids

Outside my house, walking
in the lines of my poems,
the humming of bees

II
Something random, growing
in the garden, the tap roots
of new tulips

one cock-necked starling, watching
from a garden post, murmuration
separation

Okay, maybe I'm stupid in the sense I thought the poem began with 'I' in the personal sense. For dumb folks like me, use numbers instead of roman numerals?

In your edit, no offense, you ruined your first stanza. The ambiguity and use of 'things' TWICE in one line is a refreshing voice. Then you refer to a 'them', which is so generic, but very open-ended and inviting. To be honest, you lost your voice ENTIRELY in the edit of that first stanza.

HOWEVER, the second stanza saw a lot of improvement, thematically, in your edit. I only have one critique...PICK ONE, murmuration OR separation. Using both, rhyming, and then separating them with a line break RUINS everything. It's stunted.

Other than that, I really really love this.

I like your critique and suggestions. Thank you. One question: are you aware that "murmuration" is the collect noun usage for a flock of starlings? If you don't like it how they are used, okay, but i want you to understand "why' you might not like it while I do. Hope this makes sense. Again, thanks. Like your comments very much.