Browsing through the Blue (final edit)
#13
Thanks for the feedback!

(04-23-2015, 03:55 PM)TimeOut Wrote:  
(04-12-2015, 01:45 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Second draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces Can you lose butt? What is a butt-face? Baby face is way more recognized. If you're referring to actual NEWBORNS, then there needs to be some clarification, and if that's that case, I agree they DEF look like butts. Wrinkly old butts.  Faces of butts, faces of babies, faces of babies who look like butts -- any of those images, I think, work, since the point isn't about the faces, but about the general cuteness (or ridiculousness) the situation inspires.
or future models striking poses Striking poses is cliche. There is so much to be said about models other than 'striking poses'. Fumbling down the runway, posing for a pedophile...etc etc, this could be another poem actually. That really is another poem, ie that's not this line's point. It reinforces the awkward rhyme, and for the purpose of the line (basically, the same sense of image as the last one), it is enough. Also, I think you missed the important modifier "future", which implies that they're not models yet (or that they're models from the future, but I think the oddness of both images works really well).
but with sickness. +100 for contrast

Someday, my wall From reading you comments above, I know you're referring to Facebook, but this could also read as your 'wall' in the sense of how one protects/presents themselves to society.
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake please PLEASE get rid of yummy...it's juvenile and reminiscent of Judy Blume Then perfect! A lot of this is supposed to sound juvenile (notice the awkward rhymes?), however profound the subject is. This is supposed to reflect a sort of youthful air, or something I can't really put the words to.
or memetically calculated heartbreak as you stated above, memetically is not a word...that's not to say it shouldn't be, but can you somehow get rid of it for clarification and work in meme? I dunno....the rhythm here already works, methinks. It's all hard sounds, a good contrast to the relatively gooey "pictures of yummy cake" thing. Plus, the big word reinforces the juvenile air, which is sort of what I'm going on.
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light WARNING morning light = cliche, this line deserves more coming after the awesome line of stench of a wild night I don't think focusing on that one modifier for an image is justified.
but with sleep.

I know I was seriously nitpicky, but this poem is awesome. I think with a rework of the title that sheds light on the digital connotation of 'wall', you've got serious gold here. Good luck!  That's another idea....Hmm....
Gotta say, in general, I really think the only issue I have with this is the title.
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Messages In This Thread
RE: My Wall - by makeshift - 04-12-2015, 03:26 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-12-2015, 05:04 PM
RE: My Wall - by 71degrees - 04-13-2015, 02:46 AM
RE: My Wall - by ellajam - 04-13-2015, 02:59 AM
RE: My Wall - by aland88 - 04-14-2015, 06:56 AM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-15-2015, 08:31 PM
RE: My Wall - by ellajam - 04-15-2015, 08:42 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-18-2015, 01:27 AM
RE: My Wall - by bena - 04-18-2015, 06:08 AM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-23-2015, 10:14 AM
RE: My Wall - by TimeOut - 04-23-2015, 03:55 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-23-2015, 06:42 PM



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