04-23-2015, 09:03 AM
We have our dinner outside the city,
among the trees. As I serve our dessert, you
burst into song: "Oh, the heavens are a glass
of parfait! The sun is the syrup-drenched peach
at the bottom; over it, a meringue of dew
carefully folded into the creamy air
floats; and then, a light sprinkling of green mint
and cocoa, the earth in all its richness!
"But we're always so keen to dip our dirty spoons
into the mess, to have too much of it,
and to poison it for the rest." In the distance,
the smokestack city harries its last hurrah
for the day; its digits of stone and steel
spew heavy smoke into the sunset sky.
In your opening you might clarify whether the couple is at a restaurant or picnic. Under the trees could indicate either but the “I” serving dessert indicates picnic – however, parfait glasses don’t feel like a picnic food – just a thought. I do like how you’ve immediately tried to set the stage.
I can’t quite picture the date actually “singing” those words. Maybe, she / he opens herself up and comments. It seems like such an odd thing to say unless the person is slightly inebriated because it’s rather corny so maybe you could expand on the circumstances. I like the food imagery.
Ok so this is a bit of finding the beauty amidst the grunge - which I like. It feels like it could be developed a bit more for the reader. Good job.
among the trees. As I serve our dessert, you
burst into song: "Oh, the heavens are a glass
of parfait! The sun is the syrup-drenched peach
at the bottom; over it, a meringue of dew
carefully folded into the creamy air
floats; and then, a light sprinkling of green mint
and cocoa, the earth in all its richness!
"But we're always so keen to dip our dirty spoons
into the mess, to have too much of it,
and to poison it for the rest." In the distance,
the smokestack city harries its last hurrah
for the day; its digits of stone and steel
spew heavy smoke into the sunset sky.
In your opening you might clarify whether the couple is at a restaurant or picnic. Under the trees could indicate either but the “I” serving dessert indicates picnic – however, parfait glasses don’t feel like a picnic food – just a thought. I do like how you’ve immediately tried to set the stage.
I can’t quite picture the date actually “singing” those words. Maybe, she / he opens herself up and comments. It seems like such an odd thing to say unless the person is slightly inebriated because it’s rather corny so maybe you could expand on the circumstances. I like the food imagery.
Ok so this is a bit of finding the beauty amidst the grunge - which I like. It feels like it could be developed a bit more for the reader. Good job.