04-18-2015, 01:27 AM
New edit! Reworked stanzas two and three: the ideas are still there, but made more image-based. Still haven't thought of the right title: any suggestions?
on 71degrees's point: The message might be missing a clarifying zinger, I guess. But I didn't really write this with anything like that in mind -- again, the poem's more an expression of depression than anything else. I don't really know how to clarify that in poetic terms, but I guess the general downer effect of the poem is already a good expression of it. Thanks for the feedback!
General question: Ooh, are there also any issues in terms of sound? Is it too awkward or prosaic?
on 71degrees's point: The message might be missing a clarifying zinger, I guess. But I didn't really write this with anything like that in mind -- again, the poem's more an expression of depression than anything else. I don't really know how to clarify that in poetic terms, but I guess the general downer effect of the poem is already a good expression of it. Thanks for the feedback!
General question: Ooh, are there also any issues in terms of sound? Is it too awkward or prosaic?