NaPM April 11 2015

[Todd]

ACME Customer Support Line

 
Call volumes are expanding like the universe,
or contracting like your patience. We presume
you will have a lengthy hold that will feel
like a timeshare pitch for a condo
on the fourteenth level of Hell.
 
Sir, I apologize for the wait. Please,
stop whimpering over the receiver. Please
stop. It couldn’t be that bad.
Let me pull up your account. Oh, it’s you!
If I may sir, without you none of us
would have received a third quarter bonus.
 
Are you calling about the Stretch-O-Matic
KO Extender Boxing Glove? It crushed
you between a boulder and a rock face.
I don’t recall that feature in the installation notes.
 
What about the William Tell
DyNO-Mite Shooty Kablewy Archery Set?
It blew your nose? Like a Kleenex?
Oh, onto the other side of your face.
 
Oh, the Bob Ross Drive Thru Fake Roadway,
I don’t see how he could have run
through a painted picture.
The bird should have went splat.
You went splat.
 
Return? I could discuss warranty,
but forgive me for saying
you never win any race
when you stop running.
 
Have you seen our Seltzer Skate Harness?
You strap a tank of highly-concentrated
Seltzer water to your back coupled
with a pair of our off-road jet skates.
A simple turn of the faucet,
and like we say at Acme:
If you can dream it, than we can make it a reality.
Yes sir, same address? We’ll bill the account.
Thank you, goodbye.
 
Meep Meep!