04-02-2015, 10:41 AM
Four foot accentual verse in rhyming couplets. The weakest part of this form is the rhyming couplets as it takes away any weight of the poem and that rhyming couplets cannot generally be sustained over this many lines. Instead of an AABB rhyme scheme, the writer might consider an ABAB scheme.
This poem appears to be about twice the length the poem needs to be and the rest appears to be filler at the service of the rhythm and rhyme of the form.
As the speaker never tells the writer why 1. he hates apples, 2. is compelled to eat them 3. why he feel compelled to try and do a reverse Johnny Appleseed, and 4. when he realizes he cannot succeed, why is it necessary to commit suicide?
I think that maybe there is the core of a good poem here, so there is reason to not quit on it yet.
Dale
(04-02-2015, 01:44 AM)Hitler Wrote: Apples, apples, oh how they make me cry.It seems that the basic premiss is not upheld throughout all the poem, that is, that the speaker hates apples and wishes to die as he evidently feels compelled to eat them.
When I taste their sweet flesh, I thirst to die.
Their deep scarlet hue fills me with sorrow;
I hope to see no apples tomorrow. "I hope not to see apples on the morrow"
I carry a torch, but no need for sight, "I carry a torch, not needed for sight"
against (all/these) apples, I continue my fight.
From eating of apples, to smoldering trees, "From eating these apples to smoldering trees"
I carry my flame through the winter breeze.
As I find now out, my war is in vain "As I find out now..."
"Too many trees!" I succumb to my pain. "I succumb to the pain."
If I cannot slay them, then I must go. "...then it's I that must go"
Now I say goodbye to all of my woe.
When the ripened apple falls from the tree, "This ripened apple falls from the tree
I see it plunging off this cliff with me. I see if plunge off the cliff with me."
As down down I go, to the rocky shore, (one "down")
Thank God I will think of apples no more.
Last two lines:
As down I go to the rocky shore, (might consider "sharped rock shore" to avoid the cliche.)
Thank God!
I'll not think of apples anymore.
This poem appears to be about twice the length the poem needs to be and the rest appears to be filler at the service of the rhythm and rhyme of the form.
As the speaker never tells the writer why 1. he hates apples, 2. is compelled to eat them 3. why he feel compelled to try and do a reverse Johnny Appleseed, and 4. when he realizes he cannot succeed, why is it necessary to commit suicide?
I think that maybe there is the core of a good poem here, so there is reason to not quit on it yet.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.