Midnight Afloat

[just mercedes]

This is my first sonnet.


Midnight Afloat

She wishes to take a midnight stroll in town, 11 syllables
to catch the sight of what is going to change. 10
A mellow smile with a twinkle in the eyes remains, 13
she clutches the faith and belief with fearless eyes. 12

The scars of vanity embrace the doubt of the past, 13
a bottle of teary history is gone with rain. 12 if hist'ry is two syllables, 13 if his-tor-y is 3
She gazes at the sky and wonders where is the pain, 13
the abyss of blue speaks the joy with spark. 10

A ride on the metro leads to a different will, 12 with diff'rent, 13 with diff-er-ent
the pressure below the surface whispers to her mind. 13
“Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill, 12
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”12

The memory goes and the stream of time will flow, 11 with mem'ry, 12 if mem-or-y
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads. 13

Hi - I think it's important to keep your syllable count the same in a sonnet. Most are written in iambic pentameter, which gives you 10 syllables to work with.

Also, your rhyme scheme needs attention - the first stanza has (near) rhymes in lines 2 and 3, the second stanza rhymes line 1 with line 4 and line 2 with line 3,
the third stanza rhymes line 1 with line 3 and line 2 with line 4. Each stanza should use the same rhyme scheme.

Have you had a look at the practice exercises here? There are examples and explanations of each type of sonnet (yours seems to be part Elizabethan, part Italian) and it's well worth your time to work through them. Thanks for posting this - I think with a bit of revision you'll have a first sonnet to be proud of.