Cathy! Edit #1

[just mercedes]

This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry.




I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud <-- yes! love this
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch <-- wonderful image
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall 
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind <-- maybe slink beneath? down behind sounds so generic...
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep <-- creeping shadows is a touch cliche
over the plain, towing darkness. <-- towing darkness...yes!!
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.  <-- another wonderful image. i love lying awake at night and listening to the night sounds waning
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see <-- nice enjambment!
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand <-- a little flat here
held out to touch mine. This time 
take me with you. I’ll wait. <-- love the cyclical nature of this, the way it connects with the beginning

this is beautiful, mercedes. i do wish that the last few lines matched the rest of the poem's imagery and beautiful word choice...it ends really well but the last few lines leading up to the last two sentences are just kind of "meh" for me. one thing that you might consider is breaking it up into strophes to slow down the read. as it is, i wanted to read it slowly but the way the line breaks are set (some of them awkwardly) i felt like i had to speed through it; it's worth reading slowly, and strophes might help drive the ending home a bit better than in this current form. just an idea of what it might look like without any other edits:

I’ll wait down by the river 
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch
on bare-armed trees. 

From the cemetery wall
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind 
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep
over the plain, towing darkness.
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.

I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand
held out to touch mine. 
This time, take me with you. I’ll wait.



it's a fine poem, regardless. really loved being able to dig into it!

Thank you for your great response! I'm taking it on board, will revise soon.