a kiss

[hopefularahant]

I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!

A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,maybe reword this? I found it a little confusing
punctuated by eyes.

A touch signs the letter -
I eagerly await to read, boldly written incould this be two lines? I think its a little long
fluent body language.

Lips say more when unattached to words.i like this line alot
Closing our eyes –
we converse.

I think you definitely missed the cliche, and i never felt like i was reading a bad tumblr. Post when reading this, so kudos to you! Also, some of the imagery and comparisons you make are beautiful, and some lines really stick to you. That said, the second verse is a little confusing, and though your poem is short and sweet, i think you could even take a few words out, like the "our" in the second to last line, or losing some of the dashes that arent necessary. Also, i feel the verse "punctuated by eyes" could be reworded somehow, like theres a great verse there to be had. But this is simplly my opinion. The poem is a concise and very well written one, and i thoroughly enjoyed it!