a kiss

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Moose. I quite like this. I had to go back and read your "structured stuff" to get a fair gauge for comparison. Of course, everything is personal preference, but I prefer this piece to the others. I think your approach is original enough that the cliche trap of "a kiss" has been narrowly avoided. In my limited experience I have found that more free verse tends to magnify the importance of correct punctuation and thoughtful line breaks. I think you've done a decent job with that. A few notes below.

I have been trying some less structured stuff and am confused with where to take it. Looking at something too much one loses perspective, so would love some feedback. Also - this subject, a kiss, can become cliche quickly so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it. Thanks for any critique!

A kiss
A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor,
punctuated by eyes. Awkward line. Feels as if you were trying too to hard to avoid cliche and as a result left "eyes" without a personality. Even if you want to avoid "her eyes,his eyes, your eyes" etc. it feels as though eyes is begging for an adjective. It's free verse now- you have room.

A touch signs the letter - semicolon might be better than the em dash here.
I eagerly await to read, boldly written in "wait"
fluent body language.

Lips say more when unattached to words. would prefer "detached from" instead of "unattached to"
Closing our eyes – Don't see any need for the em dash here.
we converse.

Hope some of that helps. Writing outside of our comfort zones is always a worthwhile exercise. Thanks for the post and good luck.
Paul