03-22-2015, 04:36 PM
Overall, this reads beautifully. Your rhymes are clever - not forced and your poem smoothly flows as well. The interplay between Shakespeare and something more innocent and more relevant to us as ordinary people is gorgeous brought out as well. The idea of playing on a stage, wanting attention - and then the grass is greener on the other side motif you wrap up with. Nice work!
I did find it a tad impersonal though - particularly the beginning, I thought would have come out more powerfully in first person. It's food for thought in any case - something to experiment with while editing. Also, there were a few places that did trip me up though:
[In mother’s arms, he starts to see] - mother reads almost like a name there, so I would suggest capitalising it.
[the crowds will come some day.] - in the interest of the rhyme, either this should be "days" or the one in line two "plays".
[Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent] - this line does feel a little forced.
dull pang for greatness moans.] - I keep on reading this as "dull pangs for greatness moan". I know it's probably the rhyme restriction there, but I honestly see no reason for "pang" to be singular.
[Transcending now, his show robust - very interesting (in a good way) place to put a line break)
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.]
[but head in hand he sits.] - there is a change in content, but I don't see a change in tone accompanying it like I expect. Why suddenly the "but" is what I think while reading this.
[to be, to be, to just be.] - extra syllable in this line if you're planning to stick to meter. I don't think you need the last "to" which would solve your problem.
I really enjoyed the little snippits of Shakespeare that snuck in (particularly the play of "to be or not to be" and Hamlet's ghost - one of my favourite characters), and you have some gorgeous word choices as well. "dull pang for greatness" is one I, for whatever reason, found particularly captivating.
Nice work, and good luck with editing!
I did find it a tad impersonal though - particularly the beginning, I thought would have come out more powerfully in first person. It's food for thought in any case - something to experiment with while editing. Also, there were a few places that did trip me up though:
[In mother’s arms, he starts to see] - mother reads almost like a name there, so I would suggest capitalising it.
[the crowds will come some day.] - in the interest of the rhyme, either this should be "days" or the one in line two "plays".
[Green actors’ thirst, grows truculent] - this line does feel a little forced.
dull pang for greatness moans.] - I keep on reading this as "dull pangs for greatness moan". I know it's probably the rhyme restriction there, but I honestly see no reason for "pang" to be singular.
[Transcending now, his show robust - very interesting (in a good way) place to put a line break)
gold words from Shakespeare’s kiss.]
[but head in hand he sits.] - there is a change in content, but I don't see a change in tone accompanying it like I expect. Why suddenly the "but" is what I think while reading this.
[to be, to be, to just be.] - extra syllable in this line if you're planning to stick to meter. I don't think you need the last "to" which would solve your problem.
I really enjoyed the little snippits of Shakespeare that snuck in (particularly the play of "to be or not to be" and Hamlet's ghost - one of my favourite characters), and you have some gorgeous word choices as well. "dull pang for greatness" is one I, for whatever reason, found particularly captivating.
Nice work, and good luck with editing!
When it finally snows here, I'll catch a snowflake and put it in the fridge.