03-19-2015, 12:03 PM
while it supposed to be a song and songs as we know are mainly full of cliche you'd think cliche would be fine.
afraid not, [in the miscellaneous forum or the for fun forum yes.] in the poetry forums we comment as though it were poetry. so cliches here are killers. they dilute any originality. even to the point of strangulation when so many are used. the rhyme scheme needs to spot on in this small verses, when they're not it so noticeable. [but trash] sounds like something rude...]
in general i'm just confirming what others have said. but don't give up. we have to start somewhere. go for original phrases, watch out for repetition, and don't use yoda speak.
afraid not, [in the miscellaneous forum or the for fun forum yes.] in the poetry forums we comment as though it were poetry. so cliches here are killers. they dilute any originality. even to the point of strangulation when so many are used. the rhyme scheme needs to spot on in this small verses, when they're not it so noticeable. [but trash] sounds like something rude...]
in general i'm just confirming what others have said. but don't give up. we have to start somewhere. go for original phrases, watch out for repetition, and don't use yoda speak.
(03-19-2015, 05:42 AM)10BIT Wrote: This one was actually a song I wrote but i thought it sounded quite nice!
I hope you enjoy the read
Walking down at night
dark ev'ning skies
Cold air hits my face
enter its harsh embrace
some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone
his hands worn dark
his clothes but trash
his face... now full of lead
useless now the old bums stash
His Uke laid down
taken right... from his hand
he lays face down
stopped the song of a peaceful land
some man shot dead
right in the head
blood dripping down
hits cold hard stone
Cries weeping out
a sad song to be heard
a voice sings loud
his son sings slurred