Sight Jammed

[groberts01]

My pitiful eyes lie in surprise, Maybe it's just me but this line tripped me up. After reading this as an opening line I expected more repeated rhyme later in the poem - there's an 'ai' sound three times in this line. However, it made the repetition of this rhyme ('eyes of lies') stick out for me later in the poem, which may have been your intention. for the world is all around me. So softly stuck inside a jar, they found a lie and marked it with my name. They saw me? No, but status quo stuffed deeply to the lid. I'm not sure I understand this line, what does it mean for something to be stuck 'deeply' to a lid?These eyes of lies, so lost inside, creeped out then left me in.  I found myself not stuck but stocked, unable to begin. Such mass perspective lost, and as such, was mass perspective gained This sentence has a grammar problem.. What wasn't in my view,  from twilight view was framed. From finite to infinity, the seen became the scene, creating what I could think, what I could write, what I could read, and what little I could form, formed me. Not only what I wasn't, but what I wasn't supposed to be.  So, desperately, my eyes, like water from the sea, slowly returned to me from far off mountains through tiny streams, and, finally, I can see.

I enjoyed your use of clever wordplay overall.

My interpretation is that you're using allusions to eyes to create a metaphor about lost identity - the way the voice is viewed by others initially warps their own sense of who they are (something is 'seen' in the character of the voice by others, and the voice bends to this opinion like an actor in a 'scene') until they get their true sense of self back (with their returning eyes). It took several read-throughs of the poem for me to form this opinion, however. When at first I didn't understand the poem and was reading it the imagery was interesting, but not engaging enough that I would have worked at understanding the meaning if I wasn't trying to give a critique.

I agree with what's already been written about the format. It would be much easier to read if there were line breaks. It's a great piece in the making.